I can´t sleep

Late at night is when most things occur (at least to me). I´m not talking about doing things but thinking and feeling deeply. Everything seems to be put into perspective and my mind goes crazy in matter of seconds. Some other times are all devoted to movies or series that impact me incredibly. Also, not less relevant at all, my outbursts of anxiety and stress in general. For whatever reason, you´ll find me awake past midnight.

This ain´t new, this has been me for long time. For years it used to be the polar opposites, the best and worst times. As I´ve enjoyed myself investing time in  beautiful heart-wrenching stories, I´ve also cried too much for too long causing the worst morning faces afterwards. I´ve talked to friends ´til 5 am and I´ve contemplated the extreme negativity going on in my head. Good or bad times, I can say that I´ve been proud of being a night person. Theres something in the surrounding, in the silence tat is both terrifying and calming. I know, this doesn´t make much sense, but somehow it has been enough for me.

Going to sleep that late every other day had been all to usual im my daily life, but this year hasn´t been the same. I can promise you that´s true when I tell you that every single day of this year (this 17 days that have gone by) I haven´t managed to go to sleep before 12 or even 1 am. Not a single day. Some may think its not a big deal but for me it is. I´ve been more tired than ever, and let´s not even go in how unfocused/unproductive I´ve  been. If that wasn´t enough, my late nights have been more uncalm. Yes, I can happily say that I have not been as miserable as other past nights of past years, but neither I´ve enjoyed my time so much. Something is different and I can´t figure out what it is. My thoughts seem to be going nuts and driving me to the edge at points wandering what am I doing with my life (the 24/7 365/6 days a year question to myself) . Yes, college is being really stressful but it was like last year so it may not be it. In many ways things have looked up that last year were terrible so I don´t really know. I just now that I really can´t go to sleep early even if I try. I can´t help being tired all damn day and sleeping at random hours to try to compensate, only making things a little more difficult. As if that wasn´t enough to mess up with my sleeping schedule, this year I´ve been waking up at 6 the latest to go to walk at the park (part of the things I´ve been meaning to do that I´m actually accomplishing somehow). Meaning sleep equals to almost unexistant.

One of my general goals for this year is becoming a healthier human being, in all ways possible. One of them is going to sleep early and trying to be a morning person. Currently that has passed from sounding pretty challenging to almost sound like a joke. Eitherway I won´t give up. I want to stop harming myself conciously or unconciously. Such sleep deprivation is harming both physically and emotionally. I don´t now how the hell I will fix this, but sure I will do it.

For years I´ve always preferred going to sleep at 2 or 3am to later wake up by 10 or 11, rather than going to sleep at 9 maybe to wake up at 7 or 8. Now tables will turn. Maybe even challenge myself even more (as if it didn´t sound difficult enough already). I want to push myself to go to sleep around 7 or 8 (I know CRAZY) so I cant wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning. That way I´d still enjoy the early morning without the sleep deprivation. The plan is set, now I have to figure how the hell to make it real.

Ps:

Pardon the inmense amounts of “I´ve” in this thing. They where annoyingly necessary (Is annoyingly even a word?).

And at 1:31am

I´m out for now

 

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